Validity of Feelings Theory
A year and a half ago, I was 'seeing' this guy (I say 'seeing' becuase we weren't literally seeing each other, he lived in CA, I in NYC, but we had regular phone dates--it was a very 'strange' situation) Needless to say in a short period of time, I managed to develop strong feelings for him....however my roommate (at the time) (who, I might add, was supposed to be my best friend) used to brush off my feelings and tell me to "get over it" or "you're over-reacting" or you need to "just chill"....now I understand that in the year that was to follow I did jump off the deep end a number of times, but I'm a girl, I'm allowed to do these things!! As my best friend she should have sat there and discussed the different turns of events with me until we were both delirious and didn't know our names; instead, she would tell me I'm "over-reacting" and that I need to "calm down".....which of course made me want to scratch her eyes out!As a result, I came up with the "Validity of Feelings Theory". By virtue of the "Validity of Feelings Theory", any emotion that you feel is acceptable, no matter how crazy, because you are feeling it, therefore it should be taken seriously. Never should you brush someone off when they are upset, excited, scared, or hurt because you don't agree, understand, or care what someone else is going through--they are going through it none the less, and as their friend, it is your job to be there for them to listen, laugh, analyze, discern, and pick apart until you are both delirious. And even once you are delirious and have talked yourself in circles, you will still sit and discuss it because, Goddamn it, you are a good friend!
For example, just because I only know DO for a few weeks, the fact that I felt as strongly as I did was not to be brushed off. "You barely even know him" is not a viable response to me being upset about the distance between us. Constantly asking me "who does that?"(in a bad way) when I tell you something nice, amazing, or crazy (in a good way) that he did and that I am over the moon about is not an acceptable response. You are supposed to be my friend, be one!!
Here's the thing, I never expected BM to understand this theory (hell, she is the one that led me to create it), but NEVER did I think that she would be in the same position and expect more of me than she ever gave.
So, a year and a half later, BM (still one of my best friends, and now ex-roommate (not because of differences, but because we both moved)) spent a year being treated like crap by other best friend's brother (when we were in NYC, then he moved to Australia six months before we moved), then she went backpacking through Europe and spent three months with him in Australia.....now she is home, and he still in Australia, and the other day she calls me talking about how sad she is and how the texts he sends her are so sweet and she was so sad when she had to get a new cell phone and the texts were lost.....then she abruptly stops and says "don't even say a word, you know you'd be the same way"....I thought this was funny (not in a haha way, but more of a you-crazy-bitch-I-can't-believe-you-have-the-nerve-to-say-that kind of way) because, just a year ago I was the same position and she brushed me off, she brushed my feelings off....but instead of telling her she needs to "just chill" as she once did me, I said I totally understand and I would be the same way.
What pissed me off, is that she expected more of me than she ever gave in the same situation. I will concede that she is younger than me and has never had a serious relationship, so she has never felt the happiness, pain, and raw emotion that comes along with love. But just because she has never experienced things, does that give her a right to brush them off? I say no. But as a good friend, I say to you BM, I understand, I've been there, and I will be here for you when you want to talk about it!
posted by Mandy @ 9:24 PM
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