Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

The landslide brought it down...

Why is it that when we think we are finally getting over someone, little things show up everywhere that just won't allow us to let go?

Last week, I started crying in my boss's office while listening to her recount her date from the previous night. Everything that she was going through I too have been through, and listening to her speak I realized how much I miss him. So when she asked me if I knew what she meant when a guy kisses you and you feel both of your souls in that moment, I knew. I knew so well that for a moment I was transported back to that night last June. The night that replays in my head over and over, that no matter how hard I try I can't forget what I felt in those moments.

Its been almost six months since I knew that I had to move on, but here I sit, thinking yet again about him. I don't want to think about him, remember him, long for him anymore; but everytime I think that I'm done, that I don't need him anymore I slip and fall back into him again. Just when I think I'm ready to move on with someone new, he slips back into my mind...into my heart.

Sometimes I think about things he did that made me think that he ever really cared and I am angry. Angry that he couldn't open his heart enough to see what was in front of him. Angry that he didn't ever give us the chance that we deserved. Angry that he isn't here with me right now. But then I think about the good times, and I can't help but be filled with what made me love hime to begin with.

Sometimes I find myself regretting the past year and a half. Regretting everything that I've gone through because of him. Regretting this pain because it isn't worth what I got in return. But that is just the pain talking, its not how I really feel. If it weren't for the past year and half I wouldn't be who I am, and I literally wouldn't be where I am today. I gave him everything I knew how, I would have given him anything he needed. I loved him unconditionally, wholly, and fully. There have been times where I felt robbed that I didn't get the same in return, but I gave the only way I knew how, I can't regret that, and I can't regret that he didn't know how to give the same in return. That's just the difference between him and I.

I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like this is never going to stop. Tired of wasting my feelings on someone who isn't wasting theirs on me. Tired of hoping that someday soon we will run into each other on the street and he will realize he loves me. Tired of telling myself that time will heal my wounds, but knowing that time really hasn't done anything for me yet. Tired of picking myself up only to fall down again. I'm just so tired and I'm ready to finally sleep again...

posted by Mandy @ 10:52 PM