Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

No more maybes!

I had a nervous breakdown on Monday night. My boss and I finally discussed in a formal setting the prospect of her and I moving the sales and marketing side of the business to New York City. I’ve known for a few months that this was a possibility and I was excited at the prospect. When I moved here I didn’t know how much I would miss New York and my family on the East Coast, so the idea of going back was really exciting.

But Monday night, thinking about how different my life in San Francisco has turned out than I thought it would shook me.

I moved here thinking how good life would be. I’d be working for a big company, making a lot of money, and maybe, just maybe, he and I could finally figure things out….

One month in, I stopped talking to him…

Three months in, I realized working for a big company sucks…even if the money is good, being bored out of your mind and wanting to gouge your eyes out everyday sucks!!

Four months in, I started working for a small jewelry company. I’m making less money, but I LOVE what I do, I LOVE my boss, and I LOVE where this company is going and my boss has big plans for me to go big places with it….

Eight months in, I love my apartment and the neighborhood I live in (ok, so I’ve loved that from the beginning but that’s not the point). I love San Francisco; it’s such a beautiful city with so much to offer. I really can’t believe I have taken to this city in the way that I have. I’ve lived in five major cities in this country and I haven’t felt about any of them, the way I feel about San Francisco.

And now, after all this I realize that my life is so different than I thought it would be. I never thought that he and I wouldn’t be talking. I’m not saying I thought that we would be married by now, but I never thought that the friendship we had would so easily be lost. So when I think of leaving San Francisco, I can’t help but think, is this what I really want? But I know, I know that the only reason I question leaving is because there is that little part of my brain (that little demented part) that thinks if I stay then maybe it could still happen someday. Maybe somehow we will start talking again and it will all work itself out. Leaving feels like completely shutting the door on the possibility of anything still happening; and while I know that it’s not going to, it’s hard to definitively shut that door.

But what I need to realize is that it is NOT going to happen whether I live here, New York, or under a rock!! I need to find a way to let go of that little part of me that holds on. I need to find a way to let go of the past. I don’t want to talk about what went wrong anymore. I don’t want to hear that he’s sorry. I’m done with that so there can be no more maybes! I’m done with maybe!

But here is what I know:

I know that I will move back to New York. I know that the things I didn’t know I wanted is what I will get and will turn out to be just what I need. And I know that I will forget about him and meet the man who can give me everything he never did or even could. So when my life turns out different than I thought it would, I know it won’t be tears of sadness or fear that I’m crying, but tears of joy.

posted by Mandy @ 11:30 AM 2 comments

You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

I’ve been in a bubble all day at work listening to my ipod and of course thinking. Thinking is never safe, I should know this. When I think it leads to thinking about him. And quite frankly I’m sick of thinking about him.

I found myself thinking about how everything ended and how I regret not saying one thing at that time. I lied to him and I shouldn’t have, I just didn’t think that night would be the last time we would ever talk. It was such a small lie, but one that could have made a huge difference. So many times I tried to end things between him and I, but he always came back. I never figured this was the complete end, that he would be back because he always came back and I would be able to explain. Explain everything, not just that lie, but everything that has happened between us.

Now I'm left wonder would it have made a difference if I told the truth? And I find myself wanting to email him and tell him, but what would that accomplish? Nothing, I’m not looking to dig up the past. I don’t want to talk about what happened with him and I anymore, I’m done with. But I do wonder how he is doing, if he is happy. More than anything I want to know if he is happy…

posted by Mandy @ 1:54 PM 0 comments

Is it wrong, Part 2

Its 4:11pm on a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm laying in bed watching "The Firm"...I know that I should get up and go for a run, but I just don't know if I can bring myself to....I've worked non-stop for the past three weeks single-handedly putting together 90 pages of linesheets, my parents were visiting for a week of it and I'm about to work for the next six days straight...I should be able to lay around and be a lazy bum if I want to right?

I should probably, at the least, go empty the dishasher though....

posted by Mandy @ 4:13 PM 0 comments