Is it wrong?
Last October I lost my head. I was, I guess you could say dating, although it wasn't really dating because we were 750 miles apart, a 20 year old boy. Have I mentioned that I'll be 27 in a few months? He was really cute, and how shall I put it, talented in certain arenas (wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more, say no more).
Well he became a little obsessive and I just can't deal with that. So after a month and a half I had to end things.
Now, four months later, bored and in need of a little male attention, I emailed him. I was talking to my friend who I met him trough (she dates his best friend) and I inquired about how he's doing these days. She told me that he is seeing this 19 year old girl he met at school. And to boot, she's not even that cute (yes, I know that I'm being petty and immature, but I don't care). Keeping all of this in mind it made me want him to want me again. So I emailed him.
I just said hi, gave him a brief synopsis of my life and that was it. It was all of five lines. Ok, maybe more like 8. I don't know what this is meant to accomplish, I really don't but I did it anyway.
Recently, I met this 40 year old man not too long ago (I know, what's up with the two extreme ages; I usually won't entertain the idea of dating someone who is older than me in double digits let alone someone younger than me, but I digress). Long story short, he pissed me off and it was over before it ever really began. Well after not talking to him for two weeks I received a text from him today, something about chocolate bunnies in a basket (it is easter after all!). I texted back saying oh really? And he texted back saying yup, interested? Well, no, I'm not really interested, but going back to that needing male attention thing, I texted him back four hours later saying hmmm...so he called me...and he wants to come over...but I don't really want him to come over....but male attention...but I don't really like him, he's weird....but male attention....what's a girl to do?!
The landslide brought it down...
Why is it that when we think we are finally getting over someone, little things show up everywhere that just won't allow us to let go?
Last week, I started crying in my boss's office while listening to her recount her date from the previous night. Everything that she was going through I too have been through, and listening to her speak I realized how much I miss him. So when she asked me if I knew what she meant when a guy kisses you and you feel both of your souls in that moment, I knew. I knew so well that for a moment I was transported back to that night last June. The night that replays in my head over and over, that no matter how hard I try I can't forget what I felt in those moments.
Its been almost six months since I knew that I had to move on, but here I sit, thinking yet again about him. I don't want to think about him, remember him, long for him anymore; but everytime I think that I'm done, that I don't need him anymore I slip and fall back into him again. Just when I think I'm ready to move on with someone new, he slips back into my mind...into my heart.
Sometimes I think about things he did that made me think that he ever really cared and I am angry. Angry that he couldn't open his heart enough to see what was in front of him. Angry that he didn't ever give us the chance that we deserved. Angry that he isn't here with me right now. But then I think about the good times, and I can't help but be filled with what made me love hime to begin with.
Sometimes I find myself regretting the past year and a half. Regretting everything that I've gone through because of him. Regretting this pain because it isn't worth what I got in return. But that is just the pain talking, its not how I really feel. If it weren't for the past year and half I wouldn't be who I am, and I literally wouldn't be where I am today. I gave him everything I knew how, I would have given him anything he needed. I loved him unconditionally, wholly, and fully. There have been times where I felt robbed that I didn't get the same in return, but I gave the only way I knew how, I can't regret that, and I can't regret that he didn't know how to give the same in return. That's just the difference between him and I.
I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like this is never going to stop. Tired of wasting my feelings on someone who isn't wasting theirs on me. Tired of hoping that someday soon we will run into each other on the street and he will realize he loves me. Tired of telling myself that time will heal my wounds, but knowing that time really hasn't done anything for me yet. Tired of picking myself up only to fall down again. I'm just so tired and I'm ready to finally sleep again...
